You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
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