my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
