Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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