I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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