I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
