i love accidental penises.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
