She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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