I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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