Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
