So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
