I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
