the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
