I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
