my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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