FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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