I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I would fuck him just for his dog
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
