i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
