Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
