Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.�
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
