I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
