You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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