i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
