by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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