Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
