I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
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