so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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