in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
