i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
