Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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