It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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