Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
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