I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
