upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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