I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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