My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Randomize
