What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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