Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night�
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
