he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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