He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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