bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
