If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
