oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Randomize
