rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
