The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
