Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
