How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Randomize
