so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
