kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Randomize
