I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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