That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
