yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
